After researching on the behavior of emotionally unavailable men for a long time, I have found this exquisite piece that covers all the aspects of this careful strategy. Remember, this man is doing a very carefully engineered facade to show the world that he is a loving, committed husband, when deep inside him he can’t or will not emotionally commit.
How do you build such a facade? Carefully, and evaluating how to twist all the multiple marital interactions to send the message: “I’m here, but don’t count on me…” Please, read on this quote:
“I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.
I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing on the computer or working outside, anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will go to bed early or stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she isn’t getting enough or needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wait until she makes a move, keep her deprived and then, when I decide its time, begin touching her, knowing she will respond because I have minimized affection and she’s craving any intimacy I’ll offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me. I will avoid calling her during the day or keep my pager or cell phone off or on silent mode, to avoid talking with her. When I do think of reaching out, I quickly find a reason not to….”
Of course, you can say: Why is he doing all this? Isn’t more honest to be up front and explain why he can’t connect?
Well, of course it would be more honest, but this is not his game. He needs to look normal to the rest of the world, by being married, and at the same time defaulting on the most important aspects of marriage: the love and connection aspect. People needing to look normal to avoid owning and healing their psychic wounds are all over the place.
Sometimes, he even doesn’t realize the extent of his childhood trauma; all what he knows is that he can’t get near anybody, because he can get hurt like back then. This is an attachment hurt; the person is being avoidant of deep connection and at the same time need to have some social role as husband or father…
Tragic, you think? Of course it is…there is a percentage of people around us who never could have a secure attachment, and believe that what they do is love. Now, you know this pathetic way of being together is never supportive, nurturing and healing as real love!